smells like doom

2011-11-14T09:17:00.001-05:00

i know i didn't have to break my door in.. but i felt out of place with you.

today

2011-07-21T13:05:00.008-04:00

do you think anyone has ever been here..

with you. the one that could only be the one.

has it ever happened that someone was so desperate to live next to,

to breath in the scent of their beloved everyday, while that beloved has since lost all sentiment

for me.

do you think anyone has been this miserable..

pretending everyday that friendship is all i need from you.

pushing away the feelings, heartache and madness day after day

smiling, masking all my hopes, finding solace in the prospect that someday i won't have a choice,

that someday you'll be done with this friendship or that you'll learn the truth and run..

for now, though, i wallow in your smile, your mannerisms.. your quirks.

basking in trivial day to day tasks with you

clinging to any affection you give me

choking on whatever attention i get from you

a look, a petname, a morning cuddle

actions that you don't give a second thought to

they mean the world to me

you mean the world to me.

this is serious. i'm the only one torturing myself.

home is where your heart was

2011-05-20T20:59:00.004-04:00

in this tiny home with all our books, our clothes, our things
we share so much space, we share so much time, we share so much
we love so much
so much that it's all over, there's so little room and so many emotions,
it can get crowded
over time, it's less about the love and more about expectation
sensitivity has become a problem,
with so much sprawled out, of you, of me..
it's easy to trip over feelings, walk on things you can't see,
insecurties you didn't know were kept there, assumptions you didn't know were made
it's easy to fail, it's easy to hurt, it's easy to forget there ever was love at all
maybe we need a bigger home

2011-03-04T18:08:00.003-05:00

today a fortune cookie told me I need "depart not from the path which fate has you assigned"
..well how the fuck am I suppose to know which is the assigned path?

2011-01-11T21:56:00.004-05:00

you were right, one should never compare pebbles to mountains..
it's just not fair.. and there will always be a bigger pile of rocks no matter who's doing the charts

it's exhaustive and upsetting.. how you always know what to say..
how you seem to be right most of the time, and yet you never gloat
without effort you have all the answers except those to the questions i will never ask..

however comforting some might find sound advice, i some days want to hold sand whilst looking at Everest and ask why.

2010-11-21T04:30:00.003-05:00

it's so unreal
we were so happy and now we're always ok..
there's always a tinge of vengeance mixed with hope..
i know we can never be right..
but seeing you tonight makes me regret knowing you..
seeing you laughing with her.. makes me regret ever having laughed with you.

somehow i don't believe we'll come out of this..
somehow i don't think we'll ever be friends like we were hours ago..

you have been the best to me..
but now i can only see the worst in you.

2010-05-23T03:29:00.002-04:00

she could cry at any moment

--deep breaths, over and over--

the tears are there.
just below the surface
the pain is there.
just under the smile

2010-05-23T03:22:00.001-04:00

you only like me when i smile
and only need me when you can't

2010-05-21T03:00:00.003-04:00

new pillows
clean blankets
mattress flipped and turned
still i can feel where you slept

every time i close my eyes i see you in my bed
i can feel you next to me
i can hear your shallow breath

every time i close my eyes you're still here

2010-05-04T00:03:00.005-04:00

you're beautiful and perfect and you always know how to charm..
then you leave, cause you're only a child and know nothing of promises.
it's sad until it isn't
when soaked pillows have finally dried.. you're seen for what you are.
a cheap imitation of the real thing.
a simple boy trying to become a man.

now, it's only sad that you're already everything you'll ever be.

2010-03-25T02:08:00.005-04:00

if you only listened like you used to.. maybe you might hear me.

if you only cared enough.. you would know you're hurting me.

if you actually loved me unconditionally like you say you do.. i wouldn't feel so alone.. i wouldn't feel like i'm constantly to blame.. i wouldn't always be striving to make things right when i was never in the wrong.

if only things weren't so complicated in your head. and you could just see me. see the girl i am. not the person you met long ago. or the fantasy friend you've created me to be.

if.. if we could just be, again..

dead end

2010-03-19T05:12:00.003-04:00

i'm growing tired of this life..
it's fun until i sit down..
until i focus my eyes..

it works when i don't try to look at what i've earned..
but see what i've given.
even then i might have put more than my fair share in.

it's a psychotic phase.. of extreme social highs and super lonely lows..
i thought i got out of this cycle years ago.. it looks as if it's not a sequence i can stray from, but a strict path.

i'm weary and worn..
it's taken a toll on my heart and head..
i'm ill. and this is final. i must cut the course short.

2010-03-19T05:05:00.000-04:00

sometimes i get onto that site our generation has
that one we use too much..
i go there and look you up..
to look at your face, your smile..
all the pictures that i took of you..
all the ones of you loving me.. and then the latter.. when things were not the same..
i don't know why i do this.. or that i'm doing it now..
i haven't talked to you in days..
because i don't think i really need you much..
but i still want you to need me.

skins

2010-03-16T05:06:00.000-04:00

"what do you do when someone you love lets you down and really fucks you over?"

"you must try to stop loving them."

"is that possible?"

"no, i don't think so."

2010-02-04T11:51:00.000-05:00

talked to you today..
you were sad.. you needed me.
you needed some solace. some reassurance.
i gave you none. not intentionally.
i talked of all my happiness since you.
you realized i don't need you. anymore.
i realized i don't need you. at all.

you were nice. we were great.
but you're a fond memory that's getting faint.

2009-12-28T20:53:00.001-05:00

i still think about you more than what's comfortable.

2009-12-27T19:01:00.000-05:00

in my heart i don't want to give you up..
but my head says to wash my hands.

love, again.

2009-12-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

“It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.”

i wish..

2009-12-26T18:52:00.001-05:00

i wish we hadn't talked today-
i wish i was still mad at you for not having called-
i wish i didn't miss you-
i wish your voice didn't sound so apathetic-
i wish i felt hope-
i wish i didn't care-
i wish it was spring-
i wish you still loved me-
i wish i knew if you ever really loved me-
i wish i wouldn't have given it all away on the first cute boy with a smile-
i wish i could take it back-
i wish you were holding me-
i wish i knew how this all ends-
i wish i was happy-

MONDAY

2009-12-26T17:56:00.001-05:00

monday--
is a day away- so far i have to squint to see it-
so close it's smothering

monday--
is a day of truth- the kind of lies you want to believe
the words that always make me want to cry

monday--
is the first day of a long week- filled with adventures to
remember but not enough days to make me forget-

monday--
is just another heartache
another work day
another goodbye
another conversation

it's one more smile to mask the tears-

2009-12-09T16:29:00.002-05:00

i read things i know i wasn't supposed to..
i danced through words that weren't for my eyes..
things were said that i was never supposed to know..
stories weren't told that should have been..
despite the guilt for knowing when i shouldn't have..
i feel less sorrow than i think i should..
i shouldn't know how you talk to her or her to you..
but i do now, and it would make another sad..
i am not down.. but distant..
i now feel more sure of myself in this mess we have created and called love.
i know for sure that this has all been fun and fantasy and that i will be able to move on when the time comes, without heartache..

i do not regret what i have done.

2009-11-19T14:22:00.002-05:00

sometimes i miss the bottom..

i want to be out of options..
i don't want to see the light at the end of the tunnel..

sometimes.. i want nothing more than despair..
desperation..
longing..

drowning it all with excuses and whatever substance is around..
the feeling that nothing will ever be good again..

every smile you see is a fake one..
every good deed is selfish..
nothing in the world is pure..

night driving

2009-08-15T00:32:00.004-04:00

when you can't see farther than the headlights allow
and you don't know where you're going
nothing surrounds you but trees and water
there are no buildings, no people, no signs man has even been here,
besides this road.. pointing us in some certain direction
somber music flows out of the speakers and into us
we sit quietly side by side
the calmest we've been in days..
so at peace in each others company, in the company of the unknown..
only hearing the sounds of night and piano keys
feeling the earth move beneath us.. the wheels turning, steadily at a pace fast enough that the cool air night hits our cheeks leaving them stinging and red... slow enough that nothing seems too complicated or out of reach

2009-06-10T15:09:00.004-04:00

at work again..

slice after slice comes out of the oven and into their faces.. so many faces.. most of them familiar from nights before.. some new, some confused .. but all the same.

but things aren't so bad..

however the clock seems to have stopped moving forward..

chain smoking and chugging raspberry flavored water doesn't seem to be making time slip by any faster..

friends have been coming in at different intervals to remind me that they love me.. but really rubbing in my face their good times.. and carefree summer nights

but i'm ok with that.. when they're here the clock seems to unfreeze and work for but a few minutes..

soon time will have passed and i will go home and then what..

i will sleep restlessly to wake and do it all over again.

always sad..

2009-05-28T01:18:00.002-04:00

they're always sad..

i think it runs in the family..

he says he eats pills all day to keep away the hurt.. she says there's always whiskey

she takes in the libations to change who she is, to keep the pain out of view, and to make others smile, so she can forget she's not..

he says he's happy if he has no emotion, if he just doesn't think, if he's good at what he does he feels he deserves the right to dose his senses

they appear to be unfazed by the judgments of others, but they both hurt so much

abandoned one way or another by their parents

shunned by main stream society.. they ache for acceptance

they beg for freedom from their burdens, from their pasts'

some day..

is all they have..

but who can see hope when it seems there's none

when happiness has never felt real, what is there to try for

2009-05-21T01:34:00.000-04:00

it's the kind of sad that sits like a heavy stone in your chest

it's always there like a tumor

although sometimes it's easy to forget, it starts aching again just when you think it's went away

no explanation

2009-05-14T19:30:00.002-04:00

sometimes i wonder if i can feel anything..
i feel so numb inside..
i'm continually feeling less attached to those that care for me.
they seem distant when they're so close, or is it i who am so far away..

lately all i can think of is love.
i have now decided i believe in love.
in the many different kinds of love i have always known,
but i am speaking of real gut wrenching love.
and yet i'm growing colder everyday.

there is a shaking in my bones
a trembling.
i wonder if things are about to start..
is life about to get real.. i don't know.. something must come of this

much in motion

2009-05-12T18:17:00.003-04:00

begining to feel lost again.
overwhelmed.
yet nothing is happening.
i have set so much in motion.
with little return, i am exhausted.
long days, even longer nights.
love is certain but not always prominent.
these things i know, i know well, and they suit me.
yet they are not things i profit from.
tomorrow will feel more certain. tomorrow will
bring some satisfaction.
but today i am lost and a little vulnerable.

2009-05-12T18:16:00.000-04:00

i'm not always sure about my path.
only, that it is mine.

2009-05-09T04:39:00.001-04:00

i have no home, there exists no house for me
but i want to be there
i want so badly to be in four walls that house my things, my belongings
i wish this make believe place existed
i would take a cab there now.

2009-05-07T15:46:00.003-04:00

FUCK! sometimes i just want to forget everything i've ever loved in this town so i could just get the fuck out.. i keep sitting here in my own shame sucked into the filth and lies this town offers up as you cross the county line.. i get so comfortable barely surviving here that i'm afraid to go try to start again.. and then it all comes crashing down.. this house of cards i have built for myself in this fucking den of conceptual bullshit.. and i freak out.. i need a fucking car.. i think i would just leave now. if i had a car. there are still things and cats i cannot leave behind.. i still have a soul. i'm not completely fucking dead inside.. yet it's begining to feel like it. . the only responsibility keeping me here.. is this fucking notion that i need to finish school.. what the fuck is going to change in my life if i finish school.. not a fucking thing.. why am i doing this to myself.. i'm wasting my life.. and i can feel it happening.. it's a real dull pain but it's there and it's building..
i'm done.
i'm ready.
how do i do this..

2009-05-06T21:32:00.002-04:00

did i just really fuck this up..

did you love me?..

i thought it wasn't right..
i felt like we didn't fit..

but i wasn't trying..
i was throwing away some of the puzzle pieces when you weren't looking

you really loved me..
the good, the bad and the ugly
and i just couldn't accept that.

who can't accept love?

i am so selfish to the point that i couldn't let you love me how you wanted.
i had to have it my way. i ruined it.

and as soon as we pulled down the umbrella terms, i wanted you.

as soon as you stopped loving me. i missed you.
i'm so stubborn. so damn stubborn and selfish.

even now the phone rang and when i saw it was you i was so happy until i heard your voice, so sad. yet you still wanted to see me and i just wouldn't make the effort to meet on your ground..
what the fuck am i doing?

i wouldn't be happy with you.

i'm happy when i think of you.

2009-05-06T21:00:00.002-04:00

it tends to be so easy for me to forget how bad it hurts

but when i see it all in your face.. in your tears..

trying seems hopeless, giving up is not an option.

i know that pain was real but it feels so far away now.

s.t.

2009-05-06T20:57:00.002-04:00

sometimes we just need the faintest of hope to get us through our day..

sorry i crushed yours..

2009-05-05T02:58:00.003-04:00

i don't understand why i can't just tell you..

why it has to be so hard..

i love you. that's it.

i don't know you're past..

your goals have not yet been made clear..

but i feel like none of that would be troublesome..

we could make it... on love alone..

we've talked. we've laughed..

that's enough for me, it seems so easy with you..

i'm so sure of my feelings..

but i'm too scared to voice them..

and now i fear it's too late.

2009-04-16T00:04:00.001-04:00

everyday i look in the mirror wanting to be someone else..

everynight i go to bed happy that my life is no different.

oh charlie.

2009-04-01T21:35:00.001-04:00

"Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat."

-from "Factotum" by Charles Bukowski

leave

2009-03-30T21:23:00.001-04:00

my chest is caving in-
my ribs are breaking, crashing around my heart
which is beating faster than it ever has -
my breathe is short and fast

my heart is doing all it can to survive, to make it through one more day.

my body's shaking, convulsing,..
i feel like this must be it, but i'm still alive
i'm still standing
still smiling

my face is burning
my head is throbbing
but i'm not crying
i'm not panicking
i'm just watching you walk away

2009-03-30T19:43:00.002-04:00

i wasn't trying to imply i don't want to be your friend anymore,
only that i'm not ready to be your friend tomorrow.

c.b.

2009-03-14T21:38:00.000-04:00

"The myth of the starving artist was a hoax. Once you realized that everything was a hoax you got wise and began to bleed and burn your fellow man. I'd build an empire upon the broken bodies and lives of helpless men, women, and children - I'd shove it to them all the way. I'd show them!"

-from "Factotum" by Charles Bukowski

love

2009-02-19T21:40:00.002-05:00

"Have you ever been in love?" ... "Love is for real people."

-from Factotum by Charles Bukowski

2009-02-02T21:34:00.001-05:00

you can't miss something that only exists when you're not around.

the day after

2009-01-03T15:47:00.004-05:00

i chose this cake
so i guess i must eat from it.

things would be simpler, if people were different.

but how does that happen.
do you choose your friends
do they choose you?
are the cosmos pulling us together

why can't i tell some people the truth
when i shout it in the face of others

this is who you are, this is who you could be.
this is who i am. this is who i want to be.

it seems simple in theory,
but when faced against those giants

you know the ones, their competitive, always right, always making assumptions
but of course all the while maintaining somewhat of a humble facade.

i'm homeless and happy.
i'm house-less and craving comfort.
i've found no secret to contentment
i've only had peace, piece by piece.

what do i want,
i've ideas, but no sure promise.

i have much to do
but no motivation and to many complaints.

it's a new year. a new breed of change.

and yet. i feel used. bored. wasted. petty.

well, there's always tomorrow. and the day after.

it's dark out

2008-11-23T10:57:00.005-05:00

even in an hour of self pity and sadness
i'm brought to compassion
i'm brought to your side to comfort you
the one who has helped get me to this dark point,
to ease your pain. to tell you things will look brighter in the morning
to tell you that pain is fleeting. that love will come for you.
i'm to tell you of sunshine.
that same sunshine i'm refusing to see.
that same speech i'm wanting someone to tell me.
even in anger for you, sadness, frustration.
i still come to your side.
and you cry - you sob. because someone has done to you what you have done to me.
yet. you do not see my pain.
you won't let it be the same. when it is.

2008-11-21T16:53:00.002-05:00

the first snow had just fallen,
we were walking home from the bar-
it was cold and dark but we didn't notice
at least they didn't
they were throwing their hearts at each other in frustrated screams
as i walked along in silence and envy
i knew that was it- they were the great love story i've read about
it was something i hadn't seen but in movies-
so much wanting, and needing and yearning for the other-
it was there in the street- settling over the first frost-
i think now & i wonder what will become of them-
of that love- will they bury it back inside of themselves because
it's not feasible- because they don't think it could work-
because things worth having take work-

i wonder if they even know how beautiful their love is.

abandoned buildings have feelings too

2008-10-29T10:24:00.004-04:00

sometimes i think about the old graffiti'd building
in the bottom of the canyon behind your parent's house

i think about how so much must have happened down there
parties, laughter, self-discovery, loss of innocence
and how even before that someone worked down there

and yet still i think about the time we spent exploring that canyon
how as soon as we were down there i felt at home
i felt the need to be alone, the need to be free
i felt lonely and complete and satisfied simultaneously

sometimes i think about the old graffiti'd building
in the bottom of that canyon - and i wonder if they miss me

youth

2008-10-21T14:14:00.003-04:00

each new day has hope
each new hour brings me a step closer to freedom

buried under these secrets
my only way out is denial

i see you thinking about it
i know you'll never do what you know you should

let's be fair
this is our youth.

Things are Meaningless

2008-08-21T14:04:00.003-04:00

"you wake up one day & all the constructions are gone, the books and movies you stole from to romanticize your life make no sense and you realize that you are, in fact, living a totally fucked up, amoral life and are, essentially, everything you hate." -from "Things are Meaningless" by Al Burian

wilting

2008-08-11T14:07:00.002-04:00

you told me to call if i was bored
well i am, and i'm lonely
and you're not answering
it makes the loneliness worse

lights seem brighter
people seem to be laughing harder
and i feel as if i'm wilting away

look for me

2008-03-25T17:59:00.001-04:00

you'll find me
caught between emotions
stranded somewhere in the midst of loneliness and hard times
i'll be there waiting for an out
for something or someone to turn it all around
i'll be there hoping for some reason to laugh, some reason to give a shit

you like me

2008-03-24T18:14:00.002-04:00

you like me because i'm complicated but less so than you think you are
you like me because you want to help me & because i let you sometimes
you like me because i'm social but like me better when we're alone
you like me because of those brief moments of normalcy i give you
you like me because i'm available for liking

i don't know that it's mutual
because you're a boy when i think i want a man

parking lot goodbyes

2008-03-02T19:20:00.004-05:00

why do you make me feel this way
with that nervous feeling in my stomach

i knew what we were yesterday.
but today i miss you like the day you left for london

i can still smell you on me.
i can still feel your lips on my cheek.

in the same parking lot where you left me before.
this time it wasn't goodbye.

but it still hurt.

2007-09-01T01:02:00.000-04:00

if this is what i'm to expect from the next year
then i must say.. i'm looking forward to disappointment.
and loneliness in the sense that these people are content with the
way life in this house is.. and that i will never find solace in their presence
fuck yea.. can't wait.. bring on the sad monotony

To make me feel 'in love'

2007-08-31T03:07:00.001-04:00

right now..
in this state - anything could happen-
i feel so numb - so void of life -

i want pills - i want lone cold nights-
i want redemption-
give me emotion i can inject -
give me passion i can snort -
feelings i can swallow -

i want drama.
i want hardship.

anything to make me believe i'm not sleeping
anything to disconnect
anything to imagine

to think no one could understand would be selfish-foolish
no more pretending.
however - knowing that..
makes nothing easier
it doesn't make the days shorter -
or life better
the sun brighter - the moon fuller -
all that happy bullshit that's only real when someone thinks they're 'in love' -

damn. writing isn't even helping this night end faster- feel warmer-
i still need those drugs -
those magical pills to right all wrongs -
to make the sun and moon feel alive

love

2007-08-20T17:34:00.002-04:00

Love is all right for those who can handle the psychic overload. It's like trying to carry a full garbage can on your back over a rushing river of pins.
-C. Bukowski

and yet another goodbye

2007-08-15T17:10:00.001-04:00

it wouldn't be the first time i've been left
& i know it won't be the last
that's what makes it easier
knowing that there will be more heartache, disappointment and loneliness
those emotions and feelings are nothing i haven't dealt with before
they are nothing to be afraid of
besides there will be- i know there will be amazing moments of..
and really, right now this goodbye isn't completely depressing
actually it's kind of comforting
reassuring me that i'm still strong that this is but a tiny prick in the cracks of my heart and head

2007-08-06T17:37:00.001-04:00

sleeping alone is not as nice
as lonely people like to make it seem

2007-07-11T16:59:00.000-04:00

in this hole
this beautiful dark hole - i have dug for myself
this is my home
it is where i will belong for all of time
this black hole is all i have
it is all i have

2007-06-30T17:19:00.001-04:00

i can feel the fear rising inside me as the rain falls hard around me
listening to the saddest song i could find
feeling as if my own is possibly more so.
or am i being over dramatic
the fear is lumping in the back of my throat
i feel like i could choke on it
just run out of air
driving-swerving-crashing in the rain
with no breath and his name staining my cheeks
someone would find me cold and heartbroken in the roadside grass.
i can't help but believe i killed him and that i deserve this fate
it will correct all wrongs
the fear of tragedy is overtaking me
the car is slipping in the thick puddles of heavy rain
could this be.. THE night.

2007-06-30T17:11:00.002-04:00

my ribs are aching again
the pressure of life is sitting heavy upon me
once again

if only this life would have started out different
with a bit more hope

as soon as there is a little light
there is tragedy

the thought of you wrapped around me sounds beautiful
however his death is constantly on my mind
and happiness is never pure

work

2007-06-18T23:49:00.001-04:00

bruises stain my legs
and I'm at work again

another pointless night-
an unforgiving one-

two beers in my body
and it's not enough.

my scars make me feel
like I've lived

talking to strangers - serving them
it's belittling-

this place is a dirty cave
smelling of stale beer and old pizza

no one to talk to
nothing to occupy my time

chain smoking and hope that
tomorrow offers excitement is all i have

the tip jar is mostly bare
a few silver coins litter the bottom-
how will i buy love and beer tomorrow-

i smell like him or maybe that's just how i smell-
either way it reminds me of him-

i keep thinking I'm ready to leave
but nothing waits for me at home-

people come in - laughing and talking
with sweat rolling down their jowls
when they smile i can see
the bits of hate sticking to their teeth
they are just as anxious for life to begin as i am-

C. Bukowski

2007-04-05T17:22:00.001-04:00

I never felt right being alone; sometimes it felt good but it never felt right.

a cold night and a bottle of wine

2007-01-25T16:54:00.002-05:00

sitting alone
smoking my cheap cigarettes
chugging coffee
waiting for death
or a stranger to walk through
my door to drag me
out into the cold night

rent is due today
which means it's late
i'm down to half a roll of
toilet paper i stole from work
and one can of food for my cat

but i have my solitude-
my coffee-
my cigarettes-
and there's music
there's always music-
even when the cupboards are bare and
the cold wind seeps into my soul
there's music

and wine
a bottle of wine is sitting alone
in my room - calling to me
so there's that-
i should have no needs beyond that

2007-01-16T17:03:00.000-05:00

and i've come home drunk again
with so many secrets
and sad stories swelling inside my head
how can i sleep
friends of mine who hate friends of roommates with babies that are ghosts
lovers who fight when they drink
who drink because they're happy
how do i cope
am i supposed to cope at all
all these things
these problems- they're not my own
but they affect me everyday
how can i sleep without thinking
how can i sleep without drinking
visions of other's fights-
suicide attempts
unexpected babies
adultries - running through my head
i wonder- if anyone else has to deal with loved ones like these
every possible disappointment but death
but it seems it's on the horizon

2007-01-15T17:00:00.000-05:00

i'm sorry
i don't have the words
to say what you want to hear

when my heart grows cold for reasons
that are not all pertaining to
burnt cigarettes and missing food

well it's not an easy thing
it's not something any one
person can cure

but a simple love song is a start

you have lit the path to my heart
now maybe hand in hand
we can find our way together-

we will solve the mystery of the frozen heart

2007-01-04T17:25:00.001-05:00

there is nothing more inviting
than to watch the re-selling of a gentleman's soul

2006-12-11T17:39:00.003-05:00

an elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art
-Tristan Reveur

2006-11-29T17:14:00.000-05:00

I feel like there is something dead inside me
and unless i find a way or a reason to cry it out
it will just sit inside me
heavy and cold
but there is not enough emotion inside
to make anything happen
i don't feel sadness or joy
just the weight of the dead lump

easy way out

2006-11-12T16:44:00.000-05:00

it is so much
easier to run
away

or so it seems

hide and seek

2006-08-09T18:17:00.000-04:00

it's 85 degrees today - cloudy
with the faint hint of doom
i am shivering
my body will not stop shaking no matter how hard i try to make it
i feel like there is nothing that could right the wrong i have done to myself
i have really fucked up this time.
now i have to choose to run and hide
or cry.

broken wood on my finger

2006-06-22T03:29:00.000-04:00

so many friendly faces surrounding me
and all i feel is doom

the booze is not helping
the fun is not ceasing

i want to know how you feel
but is there any way to have an actual rational thought or genuine feeling right now.

pictures can't remind me of the good times we had
because it was only you that was smiling

broken hearts and disillusioned sexual fantasies
make this night in every way.

i wish you were here
and when i say you i don't mean them and i don't mean you
i am missing the person i haven't met or someone i don't remember
i am missing that feeling of being whole. that feeling of comfort

where has all my time gone.
all the memories i don't recall
all these so called good times that you said i had.

to kill a man with prayer

2006-06-19T20:52:00.001-04:00

what a small awkward man you were
with a voice like that of a childs whine or a squeaky floor board

quiet and decietful was your way as you walked upon this earth

many found joy in your company
while only those who knew you best saw you as
the man you were
- a man who faked empathy and valued gold more than compassion

you suffocated others with your pompous air and killed two men with your prayers

you were the kind of person who looked at a crowd and saw only yourself

you saw another man's tragedy and made it your own.
you were a theif of stories and sadness
writing about other's terror - making monsters out of men
and gods out of monsters

how good of you to realize:
"More tears are shed over answered prayers than over unanswered ones."

that for which you prayed, mr. capote, the death of those men, eventually killed you.

elapsed time

2006-06-03T13:51:00.000-04:00

I'm counting down the hours
till i get to be next to you
so close to you and it won't be questioned...
no one can assume anything
i have a purpose by your side
and you'll have one by mine

i'm counting down the minutes
until you're touching me -
holding me underneath your hands
so close i can feel your breath

i'm counting down the moments until
elation is the needle in my arm
the needle in my arm by your hand
counting down time until ...

rain and responsibility

2006-05-01T19:41:00.002-04:00

i'm so sad today..
the weather and
guilt from responsibilty don't help

i'm always searching for that next day.. that next hour where everything will feel right again..
but it continues to be a struggle..

people can try to make me happy..
but i'm not impressed..

all i can say is thanks for caring enough..

just know that in whiskey i'll be happy again..
and you'll feel more at ease.. and we can have fun and play and laugh..
and with every drink you can think you are the one that brings me joy..
and with every tear i'll know that only i can find happiness for myself

but i don't know where to look..
i don't know what secret rock i must look under for my smiles..

i know everyone has their times of lonliness and heartache..
now is mine..

moss on my feet.

2006-04-26T13:26:00.001-04:00

the weather is irrational
sunny with hard rain

i'm cold hot & wet
from sky and sweat

the air smells like summer in the country
spent with my aunt feeding cows
and riding horses in the woods

my hands smell of body odor
and feel gritty from old sweat and long days

the air just changed to that of a carnival
cotton candy and bright lights
grease and laughing

the hard street is comforting
dark and shimmering

with each step
i grow more content.

the sun is warm on my back and
i feel like this is where i'm supposed to be

when home means heaven

2006-04-15T04:17:00.001-04:00

everything always ends with whiskey
but tonight started a different way

swimming on the floor
voices in the clouds
moving - talking -
words never spoken but heard-
thoughts in unison
thinking in songs
songs thinking in me

worlds they never knew i gave them-
they made them-
we created ourselves picture perfect-
parts moving on their own
frantically moving
crying - laughing
wanting more
wanting nothing

perfection

fuck you
fuck technology

this is heaven
this place
this home

new worlds & places
music & perfection

rooms - places - times-
everything better than the last

parking lot
living room floor
kitchen floor

girls on sinks
complete terror

dark rooms
hidden girls
new faces
scary places
running - hiding -
from yourself

finding freedom
liberation

they never knew the four of us would create heaven
we are everything-

happiness
living is right now
this is fucking life.

it's unexplainable
the end.

(what's all the shit outside of here? i don't want to know. i don't want to go. don't want to go there again - the soundtrack of our lives is something no one has heard - just feels like home - this is home - i am home. -from a friend-)

the inarticulate soul of a man

2006-04-12T15:27:00.001-04:00

scar tissue builds up
over the years
it would take major surgery
to remove
it's so much easier to hurt than
to try
defensive mechanisms raise up
and more scar tissue builds up.
you know you have common goals
work to do.
but its built up for years
can you break through?
or will you totally break my heart
before i can break through?

-- Rick Graves
a man i knew no more
and no less from his words.

i will miss you

2006-04-11T23:31:00.001-04:00

to a friend i barely had..
to a guy i wish i knew

to someone who made me feel comfortable..
who made fun happen wherever he went..

to the man who could have been..

to the dream seeker who was..

to the boy that asked for my trust
and didn't let me down..

to him for trying with all he had when there was little hope..
to the one who could turn things around for the best even if there was no good to be found..

to curtis for being so amazing..
and so missed.

i thought you were mutual

2006-04-07T04:02:00.002-04:00

i thought it was mutual. ..
i thought i was really all you ever needed..

i love you so much..
but all you want is him..

i give you everything..
more than i've ever given another..

i love you in that "unnatural" kind of way..
but it's not like you think..

i just don't understand..
why you have to be with him every night..

you tell me that's not what you want..
but i wonder if you say that because that's what i want to hear..

fuck it.
i want you to love..
i want you to lust...
i want you to have others in your life..

but this boy..
this one boy..
he's consuming the girl.. i thought would always be mine..
and it scares me ..

i can't do anything
but cry..
i don't know how to tell you..

i say things in a sarcastic way..
and i make gestures in a distasteful manner..

all i want is for you to be with me..
i don't know why..
this is the first time i've had to deal with you
in a boy's arms every night..
and i didn't think you wanted that..
but again.. maybe you were just saying that for show...

all i know is that i miss you and i'm jealous..

wishfull thinking

2006-04-05T16:42:00.001-04:00

where have you been hiding
in your house
in between shadows
underneath lies and insecurities

2006-03-27T04:05:00.001-05:00

she makes me want to have that love that i'm scared of..

she makes me feel like a happy ending..

no one should ever make assumptions

2006-03-26T23:52:00.001-05:00

what is friendship to you
can you tell me it's something we don't have

you led me to believe my love was reciprocal

although
i feel as if you've only bruised me..
nothing permanent.. no broken bones.. no scars.

i now understand what our relationship means to you..
and what it has meant.
time spent with you has been foreplay..
and all conversations have been pillowtalk..
the meaningful friendship we had was just a dream

i still don't understand
how you laughed until i fell apart..
how you talked until i silently cried..
things were worse than my confusion would let me believe at the time

you kissed me on the cheek after you betrayed me

define betrayal
define friendship

i'm not sure if you thought that would make things all better
it didn't

there is no answer

2006-03-22T03:32:00.001-05:00

there are secrets lurking around every corner..

oh the things you think you know about someone..

that boy in your bed. has been my boy...

that girl you thought you knew.. tells me things that would make you weep.

what do your parents do when you're not around.. you could never imagine..

everyone is more of a lie than you thought.

friendships are only an effort to feel loved.. to feel wanted and accepted..
friendships are kept to keep from loneliness..

are you really happy with the things you do..
the actions you take to make others happy..
with the things they do to make themselves happy...
with the problems and lies you know exist but refuse to believe

this world is disgusting..
but what can someone do..
what is there to do..

helping makes you look pathetic..
not caring and pretending not to care makes you a hypocrite..

ignoring it makes things go smoothly..
but then things never feel right in the end..

those awkward situations didn't used to be so awkward..
those good times.. used to be genuine..

so better yourself.. and avoid everyone?
who are you impressing with your knowledge..
there is a reason you are trying so hard.. there is a purpose..

motives exist in even the tiniest of movements..

there is no answer..
i know nothing..
i have no answers..
we are all lost..
and all damned.

\m/

2006-03-22T03:26:00.001-05:00

i miss the things you would say
the times words were always too much..

i want to revert to the days when i knew less about the others..
those days when all i had were your thoughts

i could cry for the secrets that we shared..
the moments that i had without you even knowing..

i thought you were me
so i let myself forget about you..

if only i could stop thinking of how sad we have become and just talk to you...

i'll be 'ok'

2006-03-09T01:59:00.001-05:00

she layed there with a smile on her face..
while i had tears on mine..
she could not see my damp cheeks
but i know she felt my sadness.

when there is no hope of help
there is nothing to do but pretend everything will be 'ok'

she was the only one who could break me

2006-03-09T01:49:00.000-05:00

i gave her everything without her asking for anything
she loved me - she adored me..
but she betrayed me..
she broke my heart like noone else could
i gave her so much
and she wanted more

a.c.

2006-03-07T01:07:00.000-05:00

this place is a wasteland..
you said it so perfectly

words these people don't like to hear..

we are all selfish and souless..
lonley and lost..
yet we don't try to look to each other for solace..

just good times that mean nothing
how can someone say they love me
when they know nothing about me..

i'm trying hard to not say those words
but people have expectations
people feed on your warmth
they dine on your empathy and give you nothing for your kindness

this place is savage
these people hungry beasts
these people that i call home..

you said we are all lonely
and it's true..
i'm sad and i feel it daily
but yet i've forgotten how to listen
how to care..
i have taken you for granted
as i do myself

i have forgotten how to be a 'good' person
but i have learned how to fake it

i have adjusted to this empty way of life..
i see so many other people live this life
that i begin to think that this is normal
this is how the world is supposed to be
void of true feeling

i have managed to become the person i didn't want to be
and i hadn't fully realized it..
it's not as though i had been completely oblivious of it..
but i just didn't think anyone noticed

everyone else is so wrapped up in theirselves
in their lonliness

you are right- you are..
not about everything........just about me..

2006-03-06T13:38:00.000-05:00

the wind blows and you become restless

something is changing inside you

looking at her with disdain you feel the wind move through you

if you run you know you'll seem foolish

she feels your fear and moves closer

your mind is racing
you're confused and afraid

people are moving all around you, they seem the same
as you become new.. aware.

this lonley place

2006-03-03T01:22:00.000-05:00

sitting on cold limestone
waiting for life to begin..

everyone is moving around me
walking - running
on their way to nowhere
with a doubtful purpose in mind

even the wind seems to have a strict agenda

no matter where life is moving
it's going alone...
listening to some sad song
everyone is pretending not to notice anyone else

talking on their phones to invisible friends
trying hard to look wrapped up in their own existence
trying to forget you have one.

an empty shell

2006-03-02T17:30:00.000-05:00

as i click away at the computer..
looking for some sign of life. .
i feel myself slipping away..
further and further into a place i don't recognize

this new person feels awkward and unstable
my kitten looks to me for reassurance that i'm still me
i can give him none

this cough.. this spewing of bad that is inside of me..
it's been with me for quite some time..
i know i can make it leave.. but i won't ..
the bad keeps growing

i'm trying, well i wish i could say i am
really i'm just pretending to hold on
trying to seem like i still care

people worry when you don't pretend
when i come to the point where i can no longer remember how it feels to be her
i think then, then you will worry
the faking can only last so long..

still clicking away.. no one's there
not a soul ... soul's don't last long where i live
i haven't seen one in a while
sometimes i think i can feel traces of them
left on those people that i hug
just enough to know they've just lost it

2006-02-23T13:11:00.000-05:00

today...

looking back-
over my shoulder

i can see us smiling
i can see all the lonliness
i've ever felt

i can feel all the sadness you could
ever hold-

wondering where time has taken us-

nostalgia sweeps over me as i peer
into our pasts-

i am sad for all the words i never
said- for all the feelings..
emotions i was too naive to portray to you-

but i have no regret --
for every wrong there was a right-
and all those mistakes have brought
me to this self i am today

relations between women in 19th century america

2006-02-23T02:01:00.002-05:00

"i wanted so to put my arms round my girl of all the girls in the world and tell her... i love her as wives do love their husbands, as friends who have taken each other for life - and believe in her as i believe in my god... if i didn't love you do you suppose i'd care about anything or have ridiculous notions and panics and behave like an old fool who ought to know better. i'm going to hang on to your skirts.... you can't get away from [my] love."- Molly Hallock Foote

there's always australia

2006-02-22T00:33:00.000-05:00

i write about these good bye's way too often..

but life is so fleeting
and so are you..

another friend lost to the masses
there's little chance we will ever re-unite..

i miss you already
but i know it will fade with time..

with the memory of your face..

choke

2006-02-18T02:04:00.000-05:00

it's the last frontier to conquer, other people, strangers, the jungle of their arms and legs, hair and skin, the smells and moans that is everybody you haven't done. the great unknowns. the last forest to devastate. here's everything you've only imagined. - chuck palahnuik

2006-02-11T16:42:00.000-05:00

and i told her..
i don't feel i know who i am..
as if i've never known..

2006-01-31T17:37:00.001-05:00

where have they been
we've been here waiting to be saved

lonliness is fleeting

2006-01-31T17:32:00.001-05:00

feeling lost today..

a rush from face to fingers.

too much caffeine and no direction.

so much laughter and not enough life.

it's sad how so much noise can make the silence feel lonely.

wanting to be buried in the living.

so i can blend in without having to breath.

my wilde you amaze me.

2006-01-25T03:18:00.001-05:00

Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

--Oscar Wilde

live or you will die

2006-01-24T21:05:00.001-05:00

life is a few moments that i possess
why am i wasting them on superficial tasks-

friends are who i make them
& who make themselves to me-

why care so much about things i cannot control-

life is simple-
if i make it so.

things are good right now but wanting so much makes me feel worthless and small-

let go of those unnecessary times-items-& people

there is only so much life left
do what is needed to survive
and then you will thrive
then you can be content
then you will find yourself
then only will you be free

truth is only that which you make it

what do you want

simplicity-contentment-happiness-
but only in its most simple or extreme form-

stop thinking of the unattainable

i am what i create
i am only worthless if i feel that i am worthless

i want to get back to reality
i want to feel whole-

truckstop

2005-12-25T03:49:00.002-05:00

3:12 am

silence.
except the squeaking of some windshield wipers against the almost damp window of an empty car.

silence.
the kind of silence the kind of bleak darkness that goes on for miles. the kind the movie showed you.

it is the eerie comfort.
that only being alone in an empty parking lot of fog can give.

it is the kind of cold that is tolerable and not too much to make you want to run.

this is the peace you wish you could feel at any moment of any day
this is the stillness you have in this minute.